WE UNDERSTAND. You don’t feel the GOP represents you anymore. You’ve lied about being registered Republican for the last couple years to your friends. Once upon a time the GOP seemed powerful, responsible, and measured. But lately everything ugly about the nation is rising up and using the Republican brand to assert itself. You are better than that.
We all have those friends. They are Republican–for some reason–and maybe to someone like Grandpa, the Republican image and ideology made sense. But times have changed a whole lot, and the so-called party of conservatives are not conservative whatsoever.
Back in the day, just being known as a “Republican” made you feel…dunno. Like an Alex Keaton in a house of hippie parents. Suave. Smart. Well-monied. Reliable. Responsible. Upright and clean. But lately being a “Republican” makes your soul feel the pariah, as if using Rush Limbaugh’s last five minutes on stage; makes you feel bloated, like Rush Limbaugh’s Viagra satchel; cranky, as if Lou Dobbs were your conscience; out of step–like Pat Buchanan’s whip hand rhetoric. In fact, face it: almost nothing about today’s GOP makes you proud. All that remains of your affiliation…is a vague feeling that the up and comers ought to be Republicans….shouldn’t they?
Listen. Let go of the past. Now is the time. Here are ten things you can do to feel rich. Aside from voting Republican.
1. EAT TINY SANDWICHES. Word. Nothing makes me feel more elegant, refined, and just plain rich as hell than eating those miniature sandwiches, and for good measure stick sharp little wood things in them and keep your pinky aloft while you nibble.
2. WEAR PLAIN CLOTHES. I know, you think that to look rich you should be draped in silks and furs and gems. But Old Money lays low. It’s the New Money so crass and in a rush to convince the world they have style who end up looking flashy and obviously loaded. You? You go the other way. Sure, some folks might think your casual sweater and slacks are old JC Penny and you have the style of an old man, but YOU will know what’s up. Your sitting on billions. You’re so damn rich you can flaunt socks that don’t even have elastic left in them. Whatever.
3. LEAVE THE “THOUSAND” OFF OF MONEY AMOUNTS. Dropping three grand on a weekend’s outfit is business as usual for you. So when talking about the new hot tub you are going to have air lifted to the deck, just let it drop casually that it’s costing, “Oh…who remembers. Eight or nine, after the Italian marble is laid in. I think. Or not. Anyway. Have you seen the tiny sandwiches?”
4. BRING A BOTTLE OF TOP SHELF SCOTCH TO A FRIEND’S HOUSE and leave it behind after you’ve shared a drink with them. Don’t skimp or the whole effect falls apart. You can’t wave off a bottle of Evan Williams and impress anyone. But if you drop $300 on a bottle of The Balvenie and shrug when they remind you to take it with you, your fat cat image is sealed. For about a month. Make sure to do this about every 1 to 3 months to maintain the proper RichMan vibe. And if I’m not home, just leave it in my garage, and I’ll bring it in the house later.
5. GIVE HUGE AMOUNTS OF MONEY TO CHARITY. If you want to imagine yourself in the company of titans like Ronald Reagan, the Koch Brothers, and Dick Cheney, you’ve got to give lots to charity so everyone knows you subscribe to the Trickle Down, Private Enterprise, Charity, Bootstrap model of society. Don’t worry, you can just write it off on your taxes. So once a year, just donate a million to your favorite charity, and you’ll fit in with the movers and shake weight shakers.
6. OWN TWO HOMES. That one’s easy enough! And self explanatory.
7. WEAR A PLATINUM BODYSUIT. I spoke earlier about being low key with your clothes and fashion in order to use some reverse psychology on people. But if you’re really rich, you might just be really bizarre, and then you’ll need to do something out of control every once in a while like wear an obscenely contoured bodysuit worth four million dollars. So snag one of them up and parade it around like once every five years. Your wealth will not be in doubt.
8. WEAR SOCKS ONLY ONE TIME. If you wanna shine with that REPUBLICAN vibe, you’ve got to give up on sustainability, or any worries about the environment. A good way to demonstrate both your wealth as well as your contempt for the planet is to wear flame retardant socks and just chuck ’em into the river when you’ve worn them once.
9. HAVE A CLUSTER OF VIOLINISTS FOLLOW YOUR EVERY MOVE. I’d suggest no less than three, and no more than fourteen. Buy them matching outfits and have them play mood music for any scene you find yourself in during a day. If anyone remarks on your odd entourage just roll your eyes enigmatically, tilt your head, and wave an imaginary fan in front of your face. Giggle.
10. USE LOTS OF FRENCH LOAN WORDS like milieu and Pièce de résistance and Hors D’oeuvres. If you can jam out one of them bad boys while you are in a hut tub and eating a tiny sandwich? Even better.
The best thing about this list is that in doing any of these things, you are not also depriving women of rights no man should dream of questioning; nor fighting for legislation that pushes bigotry and prevents families from being happy; nor aligning yourself with–frankly–the losers of tomorrow; those who think that the best of America is behind us; those who would see the poor and the brown and the black suffer for their own gain.
Sounds like a win-win to me. Now hop off of the dinosaur and pass me the whores doovers.