We all have those friends. They are Republican–for some reason–and maybe to someone like Grandpa, the Republican image and ideology made sense. But times have changed a whole lot, and the so-called party of conservatives are not conservative whatsoever.
Back in the day, just being known as a “Republican” made you feel…dunno. Like an Alex Keaton in a house of hippie parents. Suave. Smart. Well-monied. Reliable. Responsible. Upright and clean. But lately being a “Republican” makes your soul feel the pariah, as if using Rush Limbaugh’s last five minutes on stage; makes you feel bloated, like Rush Limbaugh’s Viagra satchel; cranky, as if Lou Dobbs were your conscience; out of step–like Pat Buchanan’s whip hand rhetoric. In fact, face it: almost nothing about today’s GOP makes you proud. All that remains of your affiliation…is a vague feeling that the up and comers ought to be Republicans….shouldn’t they?
Listen. Let go of the past. Now is the time. Here are ten things you can do to feel rich. Aside from voting Republican.
1. EAT TINY SANDWICHES. Word. Nothing makes me feel more elegant, refined, and just plain rich as hell than eating those miniature sandwiches, and for good measure stick sharp little wood things in them and keep your pinky aloft while you nibble.
2. WEAR PLAIN CLOTHES. I know, you think that to look rich you should be draped in silks and furs and gems. But Old Money lays low. It’s the New Money so crass and in a rush to convince the world they have style who end up looking flashy and obviously loaded. You? You go the other way. Sure, some folks might think your casual sweater and slacks are old JC Penny and you have the style of an old man, but YOU will know what’s up. Your sitting on billions. You’re so damn rich you can flaunt socks that don’t even have elastic left in them. Whatever.
3. LEAVE THE “THOUSAND” OFF OF MONEY AMOUNTS. Dropping three grand on a weekend’s outfit is business as usual for you. So when talking about the new hot tub you are going to have air lifted to the deck, just let it drop casually that it’s costing, “Oh…who remembers. Eight or nine, after the Italian marble is laid in. I think. Or not. Anyway. Have you seen the tiny sandwiches?” » Jump the border and read on «