One constant remains. I’m not sure where all of next month’s rent is coming from, but I’ve been making it work for a year and a half here, so I imagine I’ll do it a…19th time. You do your best and try to enjoy your moments. Because that’s what life is for. Moments of clarity, and joy. Whenever possible. Even if not, you can’t live in a state of terror, always waiting for a boot back on the street, anxiously counting all the pennies you lack. I used to stress so hard toward the end of the month. Made myself sick. After a while, I burned out my fear. It takes energy to be anxious, and I guess my mind got tired of the work.
Part of staying sane is the occasional rebellion from the electrified confines of an impossible budget. Like yesterday. I impulsively dropped $20 for a plastic bench at Rite Aid. But these little things can add a lot. Give people a place to sit outside. Evenings in June are so very, very fine after all. I’ll recoup the loss from the sunlight I’ll gain. That won’t even take a half hour.
Had a cookout Saturday. I think we are the only ones on our street who do this. It’s an odd street. A very suburban-feeling street in a non-suburban area, where people dutifully tend lawns they never use. It’s always us out there, swimming, or firing up the BBQ, or just sitting with a beer in the evening light on the front stoop. Why doesn’t anyone use their yard, here? Everyone is self contained in their homes; nobody really knows anyone else. What a bizarre way of living.
I reconnected the speakers to the turntable for the cookout. Using the turntable is more work than playing mp3s, but I like to do it regularly. I want my kids to know what vinyl is, what records are. Maybe I’m just holding on to a past I loved. I guess that’s part of being human. I guess the older we get, the more we (are able to) make comparisons between what was and what will be. After long enough, our lifespan itself bridges visible, remarkable, societal progress. Especially in these times, when technology can bolt forward faster than you can say “When I was your age, there was no Internet!” » Jump the border and read on «